she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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