Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
