Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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