the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
