I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
