As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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