Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
