ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
