I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
