Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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