my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
