Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
