Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
