Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
