a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
