oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
