I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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