I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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