He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
