Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
