god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize