he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
