make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize