you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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