ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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