Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
