Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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