I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize