Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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