I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
