I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
