I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
