were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You've changed since you got that strap on
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
