I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
