Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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