I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
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Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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