God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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