Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
