Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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