dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
