i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
