my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
