It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I had to cum in my sink.
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