I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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