just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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