The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
