i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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