I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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