she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
