Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She told me I should be a condom model.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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