shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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