You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
not ubering you a puppy
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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