God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
