There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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