I think my fart just growled at me.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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