wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
