Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
