so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
