Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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