Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
