My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
