They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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