i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
